Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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