you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
