I'm eating all of the evidence.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
