my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
