He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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