I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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