Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
