And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
