I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
