I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
