honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
