I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
