My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
