I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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