apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
We got so high we made milksteak
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
There's even glitter on my cock...
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