Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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