I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
