I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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