I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
