you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
