My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
wow bdsm is so cute
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