So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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