woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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