had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
