be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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