What did we do last night that was yellow?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
