he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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