My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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