I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
