I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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