he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
