DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I am available for nakedness
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
