this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
