If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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