and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
