I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
