i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
