I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
