She went from zero to smokin in five shots
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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