Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
