It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
