I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
