remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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