I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
