Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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