Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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