you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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