I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
