so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I smell stomach acid.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
