I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She is in my trunk
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
