My hair reeks of homosexuality.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
