I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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