oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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