I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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